In It for the Kids: The Real Impact of Staying in an Unhappy Marriage

Staying in an unhappy marriage solely for the sake of the children is a complex decision that requires careful consideration. While it's understandable that parents want to prioritise the wellbeing of their children, there are several reasons why staying in an unhappy marriage might not be the best idea in the long run. And that’s before you take into consideration the negative effects it can have on your own emotional, mental and even physical wellbeing.

The Detrimental Consequences of Staying in an Unhappy Marriage

1. Unhappy Marriages Create Negative Emotional Environments

Children are highly perceptive and can pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness within the household. Growing up in an environment filled with constant negativity can lead to emotional distress, anxiety, and even long-term emotional scars.

If you combine this with the final blow coming just as your children have left the family home to go to university, you’re adding more stress to what is already likely to be an unsettling time for them.

2. Waiting in an Unhappy Marriage Until Your Children Fly the Nest Can Add Stress

You may feel like the children will be better equipped to deal with the upset of a divorce or separation once they are no longer living in the family home. However, that isn’t necessarily the case.

If your children have never been away from you for long periods of time, leaving home can be one of the most stressful things your child can do. Especially if they’ve moved to a different city and have gone into further education. The shock of a divorce on top of new challenges and responsibilities can derail your child’s studies or affect their first steps into adult life.  

3. Modelling Unhealthy Relationships

Children learn about relationships by observing their parents' interactions. If they are around an unhappy marriage for years, they begin to internalise these dynamics and think of them as “normal.” This can influence their own future relationships and choices.

Your children might then struggle to understand what a fulfilling partnership should look like. When their own relationships begin to breakdown, it can be confusing, because they have just followed all the patterns of behaviour that they’ve been brought up with. The last thing any parent wants to do is to unknowingly lead their children into choosing partnerships that are just as broken as their own.  

In an environment where parents are emotionally distant or hostile towards each other, children might struggle with developing healthy emotional skills and communication patterns.

4. The Impact of Unhappy Marriage on Mental Health

Being exposed to ongoing conflict and unhappiness can impact children's mental and emotional wellbeing. They may feel responsible for their parents' problems or develop feelings of guilt, anxiety, or depression as a result.  

This kind of trauma can develop over time, affecting how your child interacts with people in their adult life. They may even end up resenting their upbringing and feel that their parents were deceptive. In an environment where parents are emotionally distant or hostile towards each other, children might struggle with developing healthy emotional skills and communication patterns.

Children can sense when their parents are unhappy, even if the parents try to hide their unhappiness. They may interpret this as the way conflict should be dealt with, leading to people pleasing behaviour, which can be an exceptionally hard pattern to break. It can hold people back from reaching their true potential when they’re always worrying about prioritising other people’s needs over their own.

5. Staying in an Unhappy Marriage Can Lead to Relationship Breakdowns with Your Children

Over time, staying in an unhappy marriage can lead to built up resentment and bitterness towards your partner. These negative feelings can spill over into other areas of your life and affect your relationships with friends and family.  

Growing up in an unhappy marriage can deprive children of positive role models for healthy, loving relationships. Tension and stress can cause you to take it out on others and negatively impact the parent/child relationship, leading to resentment and strained connections. If their childhood was all a lie, what else are you not telling them?

6. Potential Relief Through Separation

In some cases, separation or divorce might actually provide relief for both the parents and the children. A more peaceful and stable home environment could allow everyone to heal and develop better coping mechanisms.

As long as you communicate with your children and together explain that they are safe and loved, it will minimise the tension. They may be comforted by the fact that they can return to calm home environments. It also shows them that openness is the best policy for building healthy relationships,  

7. Communication Breakdowns After Divorce

An unhappy marriage can often lead to a breakdown in communication between parents. This can muddy the waters and make it difficult to come to fair child arrangements. And once child arrangements have finally been agreed upon, contention between you and your ex can make it difficult to co-parent effectively.  

It's important to address issues head on as they happen. It can make it easier to come to decisions that are in the best interests of the children later down the line. Instead of focusing energies on maintaining an unhappy marriage, redirect that focus towards building a positive relationship as co-parents.

8. Parents' Well-Being Matters

Unhappiness in a marriage can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation. Constant conflict and tension can wear down your emotional resilience and make it difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life.  It can even lead to physical health problems, such as high blood pressure, weakened immune system, and heart issues.

We all know the flight health and safety briefing of: “Secure your own mask first before assisting others.” If you don’t take care of yourself and your own needs, you are not in the best position to be looking after other people.

Parents' individual well-being matters too. When parents are unhappy, stressed, or unfulfilled, it can affect their ability to be emotionally available and supportive for their children.  

9. Financial and Practical Concerns

While it's not the most important factor, practical considerations can also come into play. Many people worry about the financial implications of divorce or separation, which can make leaving an unhappy marriage more challenging. But it doesn’t need to be that way. Speaking to a professional about financial concerns can illuminate the way to a divorce that doesn’t break the bank.

Re-thinking the Focus of an Unhappy Marriage

Sometimes asking for a separation or divorce can feel like a failure. But holding onto a relationship that is unhealthy can be damaging. If anyone in the family unit is unhappy, then this is a signal to think about changing the set up. It’s how you deal with the challenge of it that counts the most.

If you can navigate a divorce, and maintain a healthy co-parenting regime, then you’ve salvaged the relationship, and it’s only the marriage part that has ended. The best part of dealing with divorce in a mature way is that you can teach your children that their own needs in a relationship are important too. And there’s the added bonus of not having to lie to them anymore.

Every Family is Different

Ultimately, every situation is unique, and there may be factors that complicate the decision to leave an unhappy marriage, such as culture, religion, or personal beliefs. However, taking steps to address the issues in the relationship, seeking therapy or counselling, and prioritising your own well-being are important steps to consider if you find yourself in an unhappy marriage. In some relationships there may also be issues of domestic abuse, and particularly coercive control. In these cases, individuals may need to take specialist advice and seek support from bespoke advice agencies in order to leave the relationship in a safe way

Whatever stage you’re at, don’t underestimate the importance of getting legal advice from a professional.